Last week was tough. It was a week of loss and I for one have been greiving the changes made to my family in past days.
First we lost our beloved friend and companion Lilly the Wonderdog. What was to be a move to a new home for her, became compromised health issues that the vet determined could no longer be sustained by our girl.
To assist her with the final moments we had the vet come to our house to administer her final sleep. It was a gentle, peaceful process for her. Not so for me.
I have on a previous occassion lost a much loved cat and I thought losing Lilly would be similar. I was wrong. The grief and pain overtook us both. When the vet arrived I was unable to speak as I was rendered mute with tears and snot. No grace in grief.
Our last moments, then kissing her goodbye in the black night in a prepared place, with her favourite blankets under a large gum tree, will stay with us for a long time .
Lilly Knew We Meant To Leave Her
Of this I have no doubt.
My only regret for the final goodbye was that her big brother who she loved ever so much couldn’t be there for the final goodbye.
For The First Week It Was So Raw
I find myself looking for her, thinking what to do next in her daily routine or seeking her out for a cuddle or a chat. I see her in the shadows and now watch with envy other dog walkers. I even miss the ritual of washing her bed linen daily. That is even hard for me to believe but it’s true.
Her departure has left a hole of sadness and she will be missed.
It Was A Triffecta Plus One of Emotion
Our Dog, Our Children, My Dad and Our Home all left on the same weekend.
At the time of Lilly’s passing our daughter was receiving the keys to her new home. A moment of pride.
Her milestone meant a weekend of moving her and all our furniture into hers.
With our daughter not only went all the furniture (excluding one bed and the kettle), but our youngest son and the cat. I have to confess I was prepared to stay in an empty house with the Internet rather than move to a home without connectivity. Yes, I am pathetic, I know this. You will be pleased to know we are now house sitting and this includes many luxuries including the Internet.
Also Saturday morning my Dad quietly packed up his room and left us. Having Dad live with us has been a precious time for not only me but all my family. He too, will be conspicuous in his absence.
I know, I know, I can hear you say that we have instigated all this change. This truth doesn’t change how weary and sad I was on Sunday evening, as I said goodbye to my two and drove home to a truly empty home with my beloved captain.
Now we are busy saying goodbye to close friends and work mates. To hear the lovely things said about my Captain by other teachers and staff was beautiful and inspiring. I am a huge fan of my Captain, obviously, but it is nice to know others love him as well.
The final goodbyes and embraces are reserved for the nearest and dearest and this is all part of the process.
My Final Question
In this world of overshare social media and all the blogs and stories of others heading off on cruising adventures I don’t see much about this pre-departure grief.
Is it only me then?
PS My ever patient, loving, Captain tells me I am not alone in how I feel in this dual mixture of sadness and expectation. This makes me love him all the more.
PPS Since writing this a few more days have past and and it is now less than a week to departure. More time has meant it is now OK to share this post.
Maybe that’s one of the reason others don’t write about the leaving as it is hard to do even if you have been planning it for a long time….